Undone: A short story

I woke up all at once and in a panic. I couldn’t breathe. A split second later, the ventilator kicked in. The oxygen calmed me. I couldn’t breathe by myself, but a machine was doing it for me. It was not at quite the rhythm I wanted, but I quickly realized it was better than the alternative.
I couldn’t really see anything but light so bright it hurt my eyes. I felt like a creature of the night woken at noon and thrown out of her cave. I was out of my element and annoyed and scared. At least I knew where I was. I had been a doctor long enough to recognize the sounds and smells and feel of a hospital room. Slowly, my eyes adjusted; it became less painfully bright. I wondered how long I had been unconscious. I didn’t think I’d need the ventilator much longer since I was fighting it. That was a good sign. Nobody else was in the room. It was a double room, but the next bed was empty. Mine was near the window; that much I could see.
A nurse came in. Jenny. I knew Jenny. I worked with Jenny. She was good. She took my blood pressure and checked my IV, then noticed I was awake. That gave her a fright. I tried to smile with my eyes. The ventilator hid my mouth and kept me from talking. She looked scared, then tried to smile back. She held up a finger as if asking me to wait a minute. Sure I could wait, I thought. Where am I going like this?
While Jenny was gone, I tried to test myself. I went through the checklist. I knew my name, I knew who the president was, I knew I had a husband and a child and a dog and a cat and a vacation house on the Vineyard. We should be going there next week, I remembered. Okay, I passed. Brain is fine, thank god.
So why the ventilator, I thought. Why the fear in Jenny’s eyes? I am clearly okay. I did some math in my head and recited the opening lines of Ulysses for good measure. Yes, totally fine. I tried to make the machine breathe a sigh of relief for me, but it kept its emotionless, metronomic pace.
Jenny came back with Frank, a colleague of mine. I was glad to see him. I tried to wave but couldn’t. Too many blankets and tubes to disentangle from. It was cold in here.
Jenny stood a few feet away as Frank picked up my chart. “It’s good to see you awake Kate. Do you know how long you’ve been here?”
I shook my head no.
“Three weeks and a day. You had a very bad accident. Do you remember what happened?”
That long? Jesus Christ, I missed our vacation. Did Mark get Cameron ready for first grade? My patients! I had surgeries scheduled…. What did happen? Frank tried to calm me.
“Everything is okay. It makes sense that your memory would be damaged. Mark just left with Cameron, and we had a good chat. Work is getting along fine without you, although everyone misses you. It’s all taken care of. All you have to do is recover, and you’ve come a long way.”
That implies I have a long way to go. But I feel fine, I thought.
“You had a spinal injury.”
Words kept coming out of Franks’ mouth, but I couldn’t hear over the roar in my ears. How could I have not noticed my legs were gone as soon as I woke up? How? Oh god, oh god, oh god. I can’t live like this. I can’t. I started thrashing. I wanted to get away from the news.
“Jenny, could you get a sedative. I think this is going to be hard for Kate to handle.”
As Jenny left, I saw Mark wheeling himself down the hall with Cameron on his lap. No, I’m the strong one, I wailed in the cavern of my head. I closed my eyes.